Is your relationship exhausting you? How to know when you're doing too much of the work.

by Shira Myrow, LMFT, Couples Therapist and Curriculum Director @ Evenflow Meditation

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Reprinted from Thrive Global

Are you working too hard in your relationship? Women in particular are socially conditioned to focus on tending and nurturing relationships, but often one partner of either gender may be bearing a disproportionate amount of the work to keep a relationship stable.

How do you know if you are working too hard? You can start with some questions. Are you the one that instigates communication, connection, intimacy or sex the majority of the time? Are you the one that consistently tries to repair after a fight or work through issues? Are you the one thinking about the state of your relationship while your partner seems disinterested and emotionally disengaged? This is a sign that the relationship may be out of balance.

Many of us believe that taking as much personal responsibility for our relationships as we can will result in “improvement” and that can be true to some degree. But if we rationalize putting more energy into propping them up and doing all the  “self help” for our relationship, we can override our intuition and our felt experience that we are not being met. A neglectful partnership can enervate you both emotionally and physically. 

While a bad or abusive relationship can deeply corrode your sense of self esteem and self worth, a neglectful partnership can do the same thing over time, only it avoids obvious detection. Emotional neglect can also distort your concept of what a healthy, loving vital relationship looks like and result in depression, anxiety and a diminished sense of well being. 

Becoming mindful of how you may be overextending yourself can help create the space to pull back and actually give your partner the room to step up, if that’s possible. Here are some indications that you may be working too hard.

1) You feel like you’re doing ALL the work. 

2) You feel like you are constantly placating your partner.

3) You feel anxious and depressed or angry and frustrated about your relationship most of the time. 

4) You have a perpetual list of grievances with your partner that are never resolved .

5) You see yourself as the martyr in the relationship. 

If you’ve answered “yes” to any of these questions, doing a mindful check in with yourself can help  clarify exactly what you’re feeling, but also clarify what roles you have taken on to compensate for an imbalance in the relationship. 

Ask your partner to sit down with you and talk about your expectations but make sure you both set an intention to listen with curiosity and compassion. Perhaps you were on the same page when you met, but haven’t explored the current state of the union. There may be some discrepancies at play between your expectations of reciprocity, the way you language and express love for each other, and what default positions from your past relationship dynamics you both have unconsciously settled into. 

When we’re working too hard, we are always compensating for something. While we all have flaws and imperfections, taking stock with a more mindful and compassionate perspective may help us discern whether the situation is actually an opportunity to gain more insight into ourselves and how we may be perpetuating our own suffering, or whether it’s time to seek help if our partner isn’t truly able to attune to us or meet us.

Parenting Generation Stress: Are you passing down your anxiety around food to your kids?

by Shira Myrow LMFT, Meditation Teacher, Curriculum Director @ Evenlfow.io

  How much are our food choices driven by the need to control what we and our families eat as opposed to what is our responsibility to provide?

How much are our food choices driven by the need to control what we and our families eat as opposed to what is our responsibility to provide?

I remember babysitting a very smart 9 year old girl many years ago. She joked with me how her mom was a health nut. The kind of embarrassing mom that brought a box of raisins to birthday parties to substitute for birthday cake. She’d be the only kid who couldn’t eat a slice of birthday cake and the kids teased her mercilessly about it at school. This little girl  went on to have a severe eating disorder in college.  And her mom was completely mystified. She was so careful and so conscious about raising her children on healthy food. Her mother’s commitment to healthy food was about  anxiety, fear and control. She was sure sugar was going to ruin her daughter’s health,  it ended up undermining her psychological well being.  She robbed her daughter of the opportunity to come into a healthy  relationship to food on her own terms. she passed down her anxiety around food to her daughter.

Much of the messaging we get from doctors and experts and less well meaning sources--like advertisers and the media--- is designed to instill fear that we’re harming our children if they eat too much of one type of  nutrient or don’t get enough of another.

And it’s the relentless fear-based messaging that can easily foster a sense of stress and anxiety for us as parents. It’s not difficult to see how the natural desire and good intention to make responsible healthy choices can turn into obsessive hypervigilance not only around our diets but those of our children.

The directive to eat healthy food, which includes making dinners from scratch, is deeply tied our very definition of motherhood. Recent studies have shown that regardless of socioeconomic class, it largely falls on the shoulders of women and single parents, whether they work or not. So much of our self image as nurturers is embedded in our relationship to providing food as parents. Our choices speak volumes about our individual values, our morals and our lifestyle.

Nearly two-thirds of American mothers (64.4 percent) work, which means in most families, either both parents work or the household is headed by a single parent.  Providing reasonably nutritious, good tasting meals begin to feel burdensome and joyless  with the hurried pace of modern life, lack of time and resources, and the constant stress of not always being able to provide our ideal of good food.

If we’re perpetually driven by fear, anxiety and  guilt, we’re also ensuring our kids internalize the unresolved issues we may have with food.  

We also unconsciously pass down our lack of trust with ourselves and our neurotic energy around food to them. How much are our food choices driven by the need to control what we and our families eat as opposed to what is our responsibility to provide?  That’s the ultimate question. As conscious parents, we have to provide responsibly--but also within reason.  And accept the limitation and let go.

Cultivating a mindful eating practice can become your ally.  It can help you slow down, be present with your food and pay more attention to hunger and satiety cues. You can lead by example. Mindful eating is the practice of of becoming fully present with your food.  When you set an intention to pay attention to what you are eating but also check in with your body’s natural hunger and fullness cues, you can learn to naturally self regulate.  Over time this awareness can shift your relationship to food, as you learn to discern whether you are eating out of psychological hunger  (emotional overeating for example) or true physical hunger. This awareness invites you to listen to your body and stop when you notice your body is full. You can easily share this practice with your children.  

You can also learn to modify your expectations: You are always going to be in  some kind of relationship to food, your body,  your health  and to that of your children even after they’re grown. The complexity isn’t going to go away. But modifying your expectations and releasing some measure of control  around your children’s ability to create their own relationship to food can free you from the impulse to over-parent. It’s not an all or nothing proposition.

Whether you make small changes or let go of impossible standards, bringing compassion and mindful awareness to the dinner table can help ease the sense of burden and frustration.  Take the time to acknowledge that your intention is to love, nurture and provide for your children in a culture that doesn’t always support the ideal it espouses.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are open relationships the shape of things to come?

  YST Couples Therapist Shira Myrow weighs in for Mind Body Green

YST Couples Therapist Shira Myrow weighs in for Mind Body Green

An open relationship certainly seems alluring on the surface: sexual gratification and novelty without the harm or shame of betrayal, especially for long-term monogamous couples who are no longer sexually satisfied. It is entirely possible that open relationships can work for some people and may be the shape of things to come. But that path needs to be taken mindfully, with careful consideration, and no illusions about the pitfalls. The ideal of the open marriage may be as much of a fantasy as an idealized monogamous marriage is.

Our culture has developed unrealistic expectations about sex, often fueled by unfettered access to online pornography and dating apps that promise constant and immediate opportunities for sexual gratification. The idea of being able to have it all—a primary partner and a diverse sexual life—is tantalizing. However, when the New York Times publishes articles on the joys of open marriage, it often gives short shrift to the very real pitfalls.

As a couples therapist, my clients are often struggling to manage the unresolved, unconscious issues open relationships bring up. The inconvenient truth is we bring our unprocessed issues to every relationship we’re in—particularly when we feel threatened by insecurity, anxiety, possessiveness, attachment issues, and jealousy. No matter how consciously an open arrangement may be negotiated,there are no guarantees that partners can maintain control of the situation or that love and sex will stay neatly compartmentalized. It gets messy.

All of these variables can complicate any marriage—opening it will only increase their volatility.

The problems only multiply in an open dynamic unless you’re dealing with people who are very communicative, psychologically secure and willing to live with disappointment, resentment, and frustration. Individuals who suffer from depression, anxiety, bipolar and borderline disorders, addiction, trauma, abuse, and narcissism are inherently unsuited for this kind of situation.

Sometimes only one partner fares well in an open scenario while the other partner struggles and becomes resentful. Or worse, one partner falls in love with a secondary relationship and abandons the primary relationship altogether.

 

That’s the irony here: Transparency and full disclosure don’t ensure that no one gets hurt or betrayed. Children are often the first and most vulnerable casualties. And children are primarily the reason many couples get married in the first place: to create a stable structure for a family.

Sex advice columnist Dan Savage, a longtime proponent of "monogamish" marriage, says most gay couples inherently understand males need multiple sexual partners and have much less of a problem with incorporating the need for sexual variety into their partnerships than heterosexual couples do. But making the switch to a radically different paradigm is far more challenging if sexual fidelity is part of the foundation of your partnership.

And here’s the rub: Not only is it normal to be attracted to other people; it's normal to be curious about ways to explore those feelings. But there are no easy answers. If you’re contemplating opening your relationship, it might be wise to engage a therapist who can create a safe space for this discussion with your partner.

Here are a few important questions to ask as you begin to test the boundaries in your relationship:

1. Where is the line between privileging your personal sense of entitlement to happiness and prioritizing your relationship’s security and your partner’s feelings? How would you propose to avoid crossing that line were you to open your relationship?

2. Is frustration, boredom, or lack of interest within your relationship a shared responsibility, or are the feelings of discontentment something that is your responsibility to address?

3. Are passion, creativity, connection, adventure, and intimacy shared values in the relationship?

4. Are you asking your partner to shoulder those qualities?

5. What are the implications of an open scenario for you, your partner, and your children?

Sex therapist Esther Perel is absolutely correct in her assessment that long-term monogamy is buckling under the weight of the unrealistic expectations we have foisted upon it. While there are no easy solutions, there is room for thoughtful discussion. Before pulling a trigger, we can certainly become more compassionate, more curious, and more mindful about imposing our expectations onto our relationships or partners. And we can consciously nurture a sense of connection, joy, passion, and creativity between our partners and ourselves.

To see the full article on Mind Body Green click on the link below.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/are-open-marriages-the-future-of-relationships

Curious about meditation? Our mindfulness expert Ashley Graber weighs in: The Complete Guide To Online Meditation Resources for Mind Body Green.

I've been studying and practicing meditation and mindfulness for 10 years. I’ve taken courses, read articles, and practiced for countless hours. Over these years, I've discovered there are a lot of sources for meditation guidance out there, but some are better than others. Having done the legwork, I can share with you my favorite apps, videos, blogs, online courses, and free resources to help you start or deepen your practice.

Western thought-leaders

People like Jack KornfeldTara BrachSharon SalzbergJon Kabat-ZinnJoseph Goldstein, and Ram Dass started practicing body and mind meditation and mindfulness when many Westerners were still calling it "voodoo." If you want to learn about the history of meditation in the West, start by reading their stories.

One of the best teachers out there for approachable secular meditation and mindfulness is Elisha Goldstein. He writes and teaches in such a way that anyone who wants to understand these practices can get started right from where they are. His six-month online Course in Mindful Living offers accountability pods and monthly zoom sessions with a mentor. His Center for Mindful Living also has a live online weekly meditation on its Facebook page. If you're looking for daily inspiration, sign up for his Now Moments newsletter.

Meditation for children

If you're looking for ways to help your children get into mindfulness, I'd recommend a few potential resources. Dr. Charlotte Reznick has spent her career helping children and teens heal through the power of imagination. Mindful Schools is the leader in teaching educators how to implement mindfulness practices in schools. They also have a Fundamentals Course, perfect for anyone trying to get a practice started or wanting to bring these practices into their home. Inward Bound Mindfulness Education offers great retreats for teens.

Informational online meditation content

Mindful.org is an amazing resource for all things meditation and mindfulness. It can be read in digital or print form. It focuses on making these practices accessible with content on mindful living, mindfulness in the workplace, and practices for both beginners and advanced meditators. It offers inspiration by featuring stories of meditators from every walk of life.

Sounds True has published more than 500 titles on everything from the spiritual journey and meditation to psychology, creativity, health and healing, self-discovery, and relationships. These programs, ranging between one and five hours in length, can be purchased in audio format, CD, or book form.

Mrs. Mindfulness has a wisdom-rich website packed with simple teachings and tips for anyone and everyone interested in meditation. One highlight of her work is the monthlong mindfulness summit, featuring 31 leading teachers and a neuroscientist. You can participate in many elements of the summit for free.

Western Insight Meditation (Vipassana)

If you're interested in Western Insight Meditation (or Vipassana), the type of meditation taught by Gotama the Buddha, Dharma Seed offers access to over 20,000 talks—for free. Dharma Seed’s origins can be traced back to 1983, when founder Bill Hamilton started making recordings of meditation hall teachings on cassette tapes. The talks and meditations come from centers like the Insight Meditation Society(IMS), Spirit Rock Meditation CenterGaia House, and New York Insight. You might find a talk from last night or from 30 years ago.

The science of meditation

For those of you looking to link practice and science, Berkeley's The Greater Good is your site. This site aggregates scholarly articles, videos, quizzes, podcasts, and more to help bridge the gap between science and practice.

Meditation apps.

We can't forget to dig into meditation apps. If you’re looking for a free app, Insight Timer has many different types of meditations to choose from. PausAble app is an interactive meditation app designed to bring you straight into the moment. Headspace is a popular app for beginning meditators. And for folks looking for deeper content, Evenflow combines insights with specific subjects to target stress points in real time for when you need help most. Its goal is to help you take your mindfulness tools off the cushion and into daily life.

These practices are simple but not easy. With these resources, you will be on your way to weaving the practices into your everyday life. My advice: Consistency, support, and always remembering to breathe are the keys to a fulfilling meditation practice.

Want more insights on how to level up your life? Check out your July horoscope, then find out why holding on to past relationships is the worst thing you can do for yourself.

To see the full article on Mind Body Green click on the link below.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/online-meditation-mindfulness-resources-for-every-level

Esther Perel: An Intimate Window into Couples Therapy

Esther Perel, a renowned sex and couples therapist, has a new weekly podcast called Where Shall We Begin where listeners can hear a variety of real-life couples explore their relationships in therapy. 

"There is no school for relationships, no place for us to learn the tools for rebuilding and repair, to learn to straddle the many contradictions that roil in all of us. Where Should We Begin? is a way for me to create meaningful, deep and open conversations. As you listen to these intimate, unscripted sessions between real life couples, I think you will find the language you’ve been looking for to have conversations with the people in your own life." Esther Perel

If you're considering couples therapy, these intimate sessions give you an insider view into the process. 

Yes, it's your fault.

Lately, attachment theory is getting heightened attention, due to its relevance in the explanation of our current relationship patterns. This article demonstrates how early caregiver relationships show increasing impact on our daily lives. Find out what type of attachment style you have by reading this piece by New York Times.